Brain Splatter

Colors of Hate

 I am not sure why I feel compelled to write this, other than, that’s what I do. I have seen so many posts about the riots. I have even seen a few about George Floyd, including the video of his death. I cannot imagine it. I watched it & still cannot, no matter what, see anything to rationalize it on any level. My heart breaks to the pits of my soul. I want to hug his mother, sister, wife…does he have them? I want to know ALL the people involved in his murder are held accountable. I want to make sure this stops-never happens again to another human being.I want to think this kind of thing just never happens, or at least know we will live in a world where it doesn’t anymore. I want to be able to tell my kids it’s all ok. And yet I sit here being bombarded by more & more disturbing images. What are we doing? When are we going to learn? How are we changing anything?

I understand the protests. This definitely needs to stop. While the officer responsible has been arrested, there should be a whole lot more held accountable-and CHANGED. What I don’t understand is why we are protesting a man being killed by killing & destroying. In what world do we scream it is not right to terrorize, bully, or kill by doing just that? How in any way is this honoring this mans life?

You want to stop the racism by screaming black man & telling people ALM is offensive because white people are not oppressed. What about other minorities? And what a racist statement to say to begin with. WHITE people? I will honestly say, my entire being was screaming at the cop, the other cop, the people filming, the people walking around…not until it was all picked apart & buzz words thrown in did I even notice that it was a black guy, a white cop, or the mix of races around. I saw a man wrongfully killed in front of so many people. I am still extremely saddened by this event. I am more saddened that it has tore a hole & put us on sides again simply based on our color. I am sad that people who had nothing to do with it are being attacked & even killed.

Again, every part of my heart goes out to his family & friends. I am sure he had them, though I have seen no coverage of it. No mention or care, support, encouragement. I know, as a mother, if that was my child I would be crushed that his death caused more violence rather than making a positive impact & uniting us to finally stand together & say this ends now.

For those of you saying BLM. Just know that I agree, as is stated when I say ALM. What I do not agree with, is the entire basis of racism-by separating people by their color-hence ALL. I fear we keep losing this battle, because we are making it a battle. We are still demanding people to choose sides by color. We are still offended by everything. We are still spewing hate & racism in front of our children. What if, instead of BLM or even saying “another black man”, we addressed the sadness of the situation-without color. Our kids, of all colors, need to know this will stop. Not the killing of blacks, whites, or any race, but the killing. And, yes, the racism.. But until WE remove the racism, we are telling our kids they need to see it. We are instilling it in our kids-racism, violence, and hate. I will not be a part of that!

What I want to say

So many words I need to say. So many times I’ve tried. I know the things I want to say, but they’d never reach you. Nothing will. It’s hard to watch you fall deeper in the blackness, but worse to watch you take others on your ride. Continue reading “What I want to say”

In some alternate universe

INXS was playing. I smelled coffee, thank gawd. Felt the sun coming through the window in our room. I stretched & got out of bed. Stumbling over cars, trains, blocks, puzzles and gawd knows what else, I made my way through the hallway, closer to you. Continue reading “In some alternate universe”

In My Head

You are absolutely beautiful. From the first day I saw you-all I saw was the beauty of you. Your beautiful smile, the absolute glow of you. You radiated everything I knew I wanted. I knew you were mine from the very first time I saw you-before you even looked up. Continue reading “In My Head”

Recruiting Hate

95820895_2209314255871065_5782665141799616512_oI know this will be quite controversial or heated.Please keep in mind, when “your group” is pointed out that I am not attacking the group but rather pointing out the overall flaw in which I see. Continue reading “Recruiting Hate”


unerwaterThe struggle. The fight. Can’t breathe. Can’t seem to get your head above the water. Losing the strength. Losing control. Losing the fight or the will to fight. Going under. Letting go. Darkness… Continue reading “Drowning”

Soul Searching


It all happened in an instant. I was not searching. I was not ready. I did not need to find you, but I did. Another first day. Another new school. I was so used to it. Until I walked through that door. Until I saw you.

Continue reading “Soul Searching”




It’s Mother’s Day. The day we all thank our moms & our friends who are mothers. Also a day we acknowledge all types of “moms”. I hope we can truly take this to heart & carry it with us through the other 364 days. ALL mothers. It is so easy to bash mothers. We either don’t agree with the way they raise their kids or how they carry themselves.Let’s not even bring step mothers into this conversation-right? Or those who either gave up their children, or had them taken from them. These are still mothers. Motherhood is ugly. It’s demanding & all too often it is frowned upon, or taken from us.

The joy of motherhood is not such a joy when you are 16.
The joy of motherhood is not such a joy when you are an addict.
The joy of motherhood is not such a joy when you are homeless.

This list goes on & on, but the point is, it is still motherhood.
The 16 year old, addict, or homeless woman is still a mother.
Whether they give birth, miscarry, or abort, they are still mothers.

There is no greater gift or empowerment as a woman I have ever known beyond the ability to give life.
There is no greater gift I have ever received than the life of my nephew.

You see, I have 3 kids. I never thought I could ever have a greater moment than the moment my first was born, then came the second, then came the third. All were the greatest moments of my life. There is just nothing that can compare to the day your child is born.
But these were my children. From the moment they were conceived, I knew I would fight every moment of my life for them & love them til my last breath.

Two years ago, was a different story. I found out I had a nephew. He had been taken from his mother at birth-no family notified. He was “in the system”.

Now I could bash her & my brother. I could go on & on about the what, why, & hows. And I did. I was disgusted, horrified, sad, angry, frustrated & scared …the list of emotions goes on. But, I cannot imagine what it must have taken to carry this child 9 months knowing he was going to be taken away. I can not imagine the bittersweet moment of going into labor, or holding him for the first or last time. I still completely lose it when I try to imagine how it felt to walk out of that hospital without him. But she did. She did not have an abortion or leave him in a dumpster. She did not let fear or shame keep her from giving him all she could. So, she gave us the ultimate gift-our nephews life. And she gave me, her role as mother. She will always be his mother, and so will I.

Mothers are human. We come from all areas of life. Even the best moms have had bad times. And, lord knows we have all made plenty of mistakes. But mothers have one thing in common, we all do the best we can for our children, despite our circumstances. Sometimes it is hard to see that, but all you have to do is look again. Put yourself in their shoes. . .and thank them.

So, before you frown upon, mommy bash, or say but she is not a real mom-take a step back & ask yourself why. It’s not a contest. I really hope we quit talking about empowering women & start doing it. We will never accomplish that by finding the faults, only by accepting we all have them & helping each other when we need to.bod

Ruining Lives

We have become a society of self defeating rules based on judgments. Turning people into the bad guy forever by making it impossible to overcome. Stigmas, labels, rules, & contempt have clouded us all. Mistakes become lifestyles & excuses become our way of life.
Continue reading “Ruining Lives”

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