So many words I need to say. So many times I’ve tried. I know the things I want to say, but they’d never reach you. Nothing will. It’s hard to watch you fall deeper in the blackness, but worse to watch you take others on your ride.
I lose more of you every day. Then comes the times we can’t even bring you up without pain, or issues. What happened? How can you still use & blame everyone around you? How can you talk yourself out of such selfish egregious acts? How does one get to that point, the point that they can actually make something so horrible seem like it was right or someone elses fault?
Every day I look into the eyes of your child. I get him up, dress him, feed him, teach him. Every day for 3 years I fought to even get him. Not because YOU wanted him, but because I was automatically deemed unfit based on YOUR actions…and because YOU could not even pick up the phone to talk to them-knowing you were the only one who could.
But, what did we expect? You not only had the balls to walk away from your child the day he came into this world, but then you turned around & called your dad. Did you tell your dad he had another grandson? No! You gave him another sob story begging for money to “fix your car that broke down”. You literally sat in the hospital parking lot where your baby lay inside-alone, with no family even aware of his existence other than yourself-and called dad for drug money. Did you for one second even think of what it would do to him when he found out?
Now, three years into this. Three years of fighting the system to get my nephew out, you have the balls to go off on me? ME?!
After I was the one who had to get the news, track him down AND break the news to our parents (you spineless shit of a human)…hire an attorney, drive 18 hours away for DHR meetings & court dates, have inspections, home visits, interrogations. I dealt with the system, the laws, the mindless amount of extra bs that ALL came from YOU not even being able to talk to them or sign a piece of paper…yet I still tried to keep the peace. I still tried to buffer between the hurt & the reality. I still tried to keep in contact with you & his mother-sent pics, listened, understood. and still you have the nerve to go on a rant about how all I ever wanted was your money?!
Even then, I got it. I understood the reaction. And, despite my lengthening the process even further to try to remedy that situation, you have cut off all contact with your child.
I told you from the start that he would always know that you love him, you just were not able to take care of him.
While that remains true-it is only because HE needs to know that.
What I want to say, what I probably should say to you is what our mother said-you love no one, but yourself. The problem is, she is wrong. You don’t even love yourself. You are the most abusive person I know, even to himself. You have put our family through hell, dad is the hardest to watch, but you have done it to us all with no thought for decades. We have tried to help in every way imaginable & you are helpless because you choose to be-you always take the easy way out. How in the fuck can you walk out of the hospital knowing your 1 day old is lying there helpless & not give a shit who gets him or what happens to him?
I am done. I will no longer make any attempts to downplay, buffer, comfort, or explain to anyone in this family. You are an addict. You have been an addict most of your privileged little life. You will die an addict. That is all.
What I want to say to you is you break my heart. You are such a waste.
I want to tell you we all struggle-DO IT
I want to tell you to never give up
I want to tell you your son, and all his siblings, need you
I want to tell you I am sorry that you chose this & you don’t see a way out
I am sorry that there is nothing we, or I, can do
but most of all what I want to say is I Love You-Always